even in our grief, the sun will rise again
"the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
the grief over the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things we will encounter in our life. this past month, I’ve been on a hiatus, as I’ve been facing the passing of my closest friend. in the midst of my grief, I dropped everything, wondering how I would challenge the sadness that so quickly took over my life. I’ve struggled to do what seems like the simplest of things - think and process my emotions. I’ve had words to share and yet so many that have been unspoken. I’ve been redefined as a person. today, I hope to put some of my thoughts into words, working through some of my grief and helping anyone else who may be going through the same.
just a few weeks ago, my life changed forever. the nightmarish moment I found out about my friends passing will unfortunately always be engraved in my mind. I hysterically cried out to God like I never have before, asking why this happened. how would I go on without him? when would I ever feel comfort again? why didn’t I get to say goodbye, even though I just saw him so recently? when people asked for me what they could do for me, I wanted to tell them, “take away my pain. give me my best friend back. just shut my brain off and give me comfort!” but I knew I couldn’t do that. all I knew was the door with all the hope and joy I had for our friendship got slammed in my face. I couldn’t grasp the permanence of him being gone.
leading up to his memorial service, I was able to spend time with his wonderful family as well as my own - sharing memories, coping, gaining a sense of peace from their company. despite losing one of the most important people in my life, I gained so many new ones. preparing for his service and being surrounded by people distracted me, but my nights were lonely and full of anxiety. while trying to pray and speak with God, my mind would inevitably be muddled with thoughts, straining my mental and emotional capacity.
when the day of his funeral came, the harsh reality of my grief set in. this was it. my final goodbye to his earthly self. it was the day I would have to truly acknowledge that I was destined to a lifetime without my very best friend. he always told me that he wanted us to be in each other’s lives forever, but as I so quickly realized, forever only lasts so long when only one person is left. while I was surrounded by people who wanted to give support, they too would be gone by the end of the day. even with the beautiful message of the pastor, the promises of God embedded in me, the signs that my friend sent me from Heaven, I had never felt more broken. I think that was just the human part of me, the part unable to comprehend death.
since that day, I’ve had to make a conscious effort to get out of bed each day and live my life - I know that’s what my friend wants me to do as he sits in Heaven. I know that he is living better than he ever could here on Earth, and that I will see him again. it was just time for God to take his angelic spirit. my healing has and will continue to take many tears, the love of my family, more prayers than I could ever imagine, and most simply, time. my peace comes from our memories, my connection with his family, and the fact that I know he’s still with me. while my healing is not linear, it has to be progressive.
even in what has felt like broken promises and massive betrayal, God has still been good. my faith in Him and the comfort I gain from is part of what keeps me going - in loss I’m blessed with the constant gift of God’s love. He has given me what I needed more than answers to my questions - He has given me new perspective. my human self does have doubts at times, but my true beliefs are so much greater, I cannot let them out of my grasp. ultimately, the joy of the Lord is my strength. I will find the rising sun in a sea of what seems to be infinitely stormy days. I will genuinely smile again. I will care about someone else just as much as I did for my friend. I won’t be broken forever.
today, I encourage you to check up on your strong friends, even people who seem to have it together can struggle immensely. be kind. hug your loved ones, be a good person, and make your moments matter. if you’re also struggling with grief, I pray that you too can open up your heart to God’s love, find new perspective, and feel whole again.
J, I pray to make you proud each and every day. thank you for being my angel… until we meet again my friend <3
